Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The Task at Hand

So I have decided there is one task that is a test of a man's mental fortitude and ability to problem solve. It one of those things that you get asked to do at the most aggervating times and can cause serious frustration, angry and disbelief. It could be related to eating a bowl of pasta and finding a bay leaf in that next bite, or better yet, finding out that you accidentally picked blue shoes with your black suit in the middle of a presentation. It often occurs when with a female, be it a friend, girlfriend or in my case fiance.

What is this task you may ask? "Could you please reach in my PURSE and grab ...?"

Yep! That's where men and women differ. I have come to find that while men yes typically have at least one room in which they leave a complete pig-stye, they at least can find whatever it is they are looking for in that area. (Most times) And as it is usually a bigger area with more visual representation of the object of desire, things are naturally easier to find.

I have been asked more this week than usual that exact question followed by the following objects. Gum, Wallet, Keys, Phone, Pen, Chapstick... so on and so forth, only to find each time that it is getting increasingly more difficult to navigate the nooks and crannies of the dreaded PURSE.

As you may know purses come in all shapes and sizes, colors and styles. These are considered "accessorizing" by the female species and can change depending on the attire or event that one is attending. This one in particular has about 10 compartments all held in a small 12"x5"x12" package. That gives us an enormous roughly 720 cubic inches of space to hold whatever the woman's heart longs to take with her.

When you are looking for a larger object in this type of purse, that usually doesn't present too much of a problem. However, if that object is a cellphone that is currently ringing and you aren't quick enough, look out! She'll get upset and say something to the effect of, "Give it too me! I'll get it out!" or "It's right there on the top." Now while yes it might be right there on the top, the problem a guy has is figuring out "the top" of which compartment sealed off by a zipper or better yet some high tech seal for appearance glamour. Now, while a cellphone isn't a huge issue, getting something like chapstick or gum... shit! That just flat out sucks! It could literally take up to 5 minutes and two passes to locate such an object. Especially with the different shapes and sizes that these come in now-a-days.

Besides that, once you get to the bottom of the purse it's like walking along the bottom of a murky pond in which you can't see the bottom. There are things down there brushing your hand, mushing between your searching fingers that you can't describe and dare not look to see what they are. Mixed among this confusion of the senses is her growing comments on location, and urging you to speed it up.

I state this blog to warn all men to beware of the PURSE and it's contents. To ease this struggle, do yourself a favor, pre-scope it out! Before a date, before the drive, before she even knows you have seen it, just do it! If it is at all possible, familiarize yourself with it, make friends, look in it. Do NOT GET CAUGHT! Again, DO NOT GET CAUGHT! This is like a dairy to some females and will surely get you throw out of the "I am gonna get some!" circle. But who knows, if you can devise a covert op to get in there and get an idea of placement, not only could you be a hero when she needs you but you could also find out specifics for certain small gifts, or even possibly things that are important to know before you make any further commitment to her.

Beware of the PURSE! If planned for properly with careful poise and grace, it can be a very valuable friend. However, if not this can be your worst nightmare and definite cock-block!

Monday, October 03, 2005


Hello america! Wise UP!

Gas prices are ridiculous, I should get a raise based upon these prices rather than inflation. Could you imagine if your salary was in direct correlation with Gas Prices, you'd be rich in a year. Here is the trend:

Natural / Man Made disaster = Gas price SPIKE (meaning: plus $1.50)

Then since we all bitch and moan about it but continue driving and paying for it, they drop the price .50 to make it seem like we are saving money. It's very convienent how this works. Let me put it to you like this:

Here I have a tasty Quarter Pounder with Cheese (BTW in case you didn't know in this hypothetical situation, you love the QP w/ Cheese and need it like you need your daily fix) Anyways, moving on... This QP w/ Cheese costs $1.49 but now there is an article that cows in Africa have Mad Cow disease... (I get my meat from Canada)... I raise the price of my QP w / Cheese to $3.65... You get pissed but know that I supply the only tasty QP w/ Cheese and you need it so you pay!

Then I decide that I can assist you and make you happier because naturally you are super pissed at the increase of over 50%, so I drop my price down to $2.65 and you are so excited that you purchase two and take one home to save for tomorrow because you are worried that I will up my price again as soon I find out that a tornado is scheduled to blow through Kansas.

See the point to my story is that we as consumers of gasoline gripe about the rising prices and let the high powers state that it is because of some natural disaster or war, when in fact it doesn't have that much to do with any of those things. I mean here we are SUPER NATION, and when other things go wrong we find another place to get them from. No one can tell me that the only places to get oil and have oil refineries are the locations that these storms or wars are. Granted this may have an intial short term effect for us to divert our resources but we should be able to rebound instead of raising costs 50% or more and then lowering them 5% to make it seem like they are doing a favor. Fuck them, I don't feel any relief!

But hey what can I do, I can't even get out of a job I hate, how could I lobby a protest on the energy resource commisions of the nation? I still buy gas because it's not like I can not drive... it's a catch 22 and they know they have us all wrapped up. I often wondered when I drive through some areas, where does all that money come from to build an 8000 sq. ft. house, or drive that Ferrari? Now I know, someone bought into gas, probably someone that we also allow to not pay taxes for 10 years so that they can get started in our great nation, then what do they do, oh they just move the company to the next relative that gets on a ship over! FUCK THAT! WHERE is my TAX BREAK! GRRRR SO ANGRY!


So not only is today Monday, which sucks in the first place. I mean it wouldn't be all that bad if I didn't have to go to work. I hate my job just in case it wasn't clear already. It's not that my job is really that bad or difficult, I mean sometimes I am just bored. I guess being bored wouldn't be that bad either if I could maybe shop or something online, but seeing as I don't really have disposable income at the moment I can't do that. So I did a search in Google for the End of the Internet. That my friend is the definition of boredom. I don't really know what is more sad, the fact that I clicked on most of the links or the fact that I had seen some of them before.

So since my position within the company evolves over time, like a womans wrinkles develop and ass seems to grow without limit, I have found myself responsible for some of the shittier responsibilities that I used to just hear about. For instance, I now deal with consultants (definition: A completely clueless individual, who rides the intelligent coattails of engineers for firms to make themselves look good in front of customers. Also: Clueless, Lazy, Retarded, Demanding, Devilish) on a daily basis. This is not because I want to but more since we do not have a staff of employees anymore and no one takes responsibility for any jobs they seem to have my phone number now. They always call and demand things stating that nothing is their responsibility and that the "Contract" states this or that.. blah blah fucking blah. I want to disconnect my phone but that doesn't even work because then I get the page over the intercom. UGH! The worst part is that some of these jobs are over a year old and the consultant has dealt with 2 or 3 people who no longer work here. As you can imagine this creates an even better mood for them because now they are pissed that they have to repeat themselves and get me up to speed on the situation. I am of the opinion that consultants are the bottom-feeders of the technical world, feeding on other peoples lack of understand and fear of technology, by supplying a false sense of intelligence. They then use their contacts (ie. Me, or other engineers) to give them the answers for them to supply to the customer. They are a middleman supplying absolutely no COST BENEFIT. The only thing they do is screw up by supplying false information or a bad design to the customer who then doesn't understand why something won't work, the consultant then blames everything on the vendor. They are a congestion point and I do not understand why they are needed or even exist! WISE UP PEOPLE, can't you see the scam?

DAMN IT, I feel like I must explain everything to the world. ;)